For me, most of the time I am sort of fine, and then I have a really, really, REALLY bad day. Not just a day where I mope around listening to my old Cure albums weeping quietly, but days where I scream at P, cry for hours and hide in a closet (literally). Why? It's usually something pretty minor that has gone awry. Then, for the next week or so after my fit, I beat myself up for screaming at P, wishing sometimes that I weren't a mom, ( ***Let's get this clear from the start now that I'm writing about PPD: This feeling has nothing to do with my feelings for M as a person, because she's nothing but wonderful. M has done nothing to cause this; she has not exacerbated it--she's not colicky, fussy, gassy, developmentally delayed, of poor health, a bad sleeper, etc. and she's as pretty as a pearl and very smiley; it's more my own baggage over the lifestyle and identity changes, which I obviously knew about before I got pregnant.***), and generally being a mess.
A symptom of PPD, and the final clue that let me know that I might have it and that my continued rage and sadness after five months were not just "hormones," is lack of concentration/distractability. Normally, I have great concentration (I'm an appellate lawyer, by trade), but in maternity leave I sometimes just found myself running from room to room while M was napping. Pulling up a sheet in the bedroom, washing a pan in the kitchen, loading the dryer, moving a magazine, back to pull up the blanket, starting the dryer, feeding the cats, remembering something I meant to put in the dryer, etc. I think of this because I just got distracted by my own parenthetical in the previous paragraph and it made me think that it's so tricky to find moms who will say they have/had PPD because they do not want anyone to think badly of their baby, or to think that they don't love their baby. As if anyone would. I know rationally that no one would think that as I write this, but I still feel terrible and worry that I'm damaging M by being so sad and crazy and I don't want anyone to think that she caused my PPD.
My shrink (here's the distraction again--the best part of PPD is getting to have someone I can call my shrink) says that my particular flavor of PPD has some OCD running through it. Not constant hand-washing OCD, but just a level of anxiety and demanding perfectionism that is untenable with a baby. She hypothesizes (and I agree) that I've probably had this my whole life and, up until now, have just learned to use it in mostly-adaptive ways. I'm not on any meds right now because I'm still breast-feeding, though many people have told me recently that I should knock that off and get on some. I'm not sure that's my answer though. I really enjoy breastfeeding and feel like it is the one absolute saving grace that I have as a mom so far. I may be sad and crazy and I may have a full-time job that necessitates daycare, but at least that girl is getting some good immunity and 100% natural nutrition from me. But, I do agree that I can't just persist in this sad state w/ crazy flare-ups forever and that that probably would ultimately be damaging for M, not to mention my relationship with P. So what to do? Yoga? Acupuncture? Wait it out? I'm in some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy now, but not sure that's doing much.
Anyway, there it is. Maybe google-search will bring me some other one-in-five PPD ladies. Are you out there???
2 comments:
Thank you for sharing this story. There is great power in sharing, and I hope it also leads you to the support and camaraderie you seek. I certainly had some rocky times postpartum, but nothing to the extent you describe and never with a diagnosis.
No doubt, becoming a mother is both wonderful and excruciatingly difficult. There are many things that once were important to me and to my self-identity that I have almost forgotten, though I look forward to rediscovering them someday. Re-prioritizing is both necessary and painful.
I continue to have a compromised ability to concentrate or finish anything, but I've always attributed it to a combination of sleep deprivation and constant interruptions. I say this simply to share my experience, not at all to diminish what you are experiencing.
As far as breastfeeding goes, I certainly wouldn't tell you whether you should stop. It is a wonderful gift to both child and mother, and I believe a mother should breastfeed her child for as long as it is working for BOTH of them. M has already gained a great deal of benefit from breastfeeding. If you decide to stop so that you can take meds that allow you to be happier and more present, that will be to her benefit also.
Keep in touch.
Hey there! I'm Postpartum Mood Disorder survivor. I blog. I know lots of moms who also blog about it. In fact, if you're on Twitter and can join us, tomorrow we have a chat at 1pm & 830pm EST. The hashtag is #PPDChat. My blog is http://www.mypostpartumvoice.com. My username is unxpctdblessing on Twitter. Look forward to connecting with you!
I came across your post via my Google Alerts. So glad to see you sharing your journey. You're officially not alone.
((hugs))
Warmest,
Lauren Hale
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