October Eve

Pictures top to bottom: Daddy & daughter dance; Nuzzle; "Uncle Woody, is Uncle Matt crazy?;" MorMor's Joy; In the Kitchen; Eyes!; Curled up on Daddy; MorMor & PapPap; Prune Facial; Sparkly Girl!

October is *almost* upon us again, which means I'm getting ready to flip the calendar to mark the beginning of my 36th year on the planet. Aaagh! 35 feels distinctly older than 34, so that is strange and it's hard to believe that I am that squarely an adult. On the other hand, and excepting the introduction of Mira into the world, this past year has been a little bit rough for me and I think I'll be happy to see it on its way.

I am looking forward to returning to normalcy this year. I told Peter yesterday that I haven't had a "normal" life for at least the last 10 months. I feel it rounding the bend, though. We are through the first rough month of me-back-to-work and Mira-to-daycare; I am almost done with the huge brief that's been hanging over my head since maternity leave; I am no longer pregnant; my individual therapist and my shrink have discharged me; I've stopped acupuncture; and, one of these days I'll repaint my toenails (which are sad and very neglected). I have even begun to think some of reading or cooking something. . .

In addition to my birthday and the end of briefing hell, October brings many other good things. 1) Pumpkins--so orange and happy, even when they have not been carved as jack o' lanterns; 2) Crispy fall leaves and crispy fall weather--like snow falling, but more beautiful and not as cold. For those of you non-southerners who doubt that Atlanta can ever be crispy, you'll just have to come visit us and find out! 3) The beginning of festival season--My birthday is the beginning of an almost 5 month cycle in Peter's and my collective life that encompasses my day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, New Year's, *Mira's Birthday!!!*, Peter's birthday, our dating anniversary, and Valentine's Day--woohoo! 4) Squash weather, soup weather, apple weather; 5) Boot, sweater and jeans weather; 6) Mira in a cute ladybug costume!!!!

Okay, back to the brief. . .just a few more days and then October will be here. Whee!

Mysterious butterfly organ

Clockwise: Mira meets a friend at daycare, the Team of Three, "Seriously, guys. . .squash again?," Triangle Frenzy.

Last week I got test results back saying that my thyroid was way out of whack. My mom, who is an R.N., said something like, "Wow! I've seen a few thyroid tests that were worse, but not many!" Anyway, my shrink said that this could be the whole enchilada of what's been wrong with my brain and spirit since pregnancy. By my lights, if it's not the whole enchilada, it's at least all of the important parts.

Since starting on my thyroid supplement last week:

• My concentration is better;
• I've had spontaneous, happy thoughts (pretty telling how bad off I was that this didn't happen before, no? It was really noticeable, though, the first time I had a happy thought again. . .it hadn't happened in so long.)
• My hip stopped hurting;
• I'm not totally exhausted all the time;
• I am enjoying things and have a sense of humor again;
• I am able to just roll with things a little better.

Honestly, I can't think of any other situation where I'd be so totally thrilled to find out that I have a chronic condition that probably needs medication for the rest of my life. But, this is one! It is particularly nice to know somehow that it was not just my psyche. It was making me sad that Mira's arrival had spawned this crisis for me. Somehow, having something more concrete to point to as the root cause is so reassuring and alleviates all of that--when it was just postpartum depression, it felt like such a deep hole to climb out of.

In other news, Mira is "the star of daycare" according to staff there and seems to be really exceptionally happy lately. She has her first tooth coming in and is scooching all over the place in a sort of army-sniper baby crawl, using mostly her elbows, leaving the rest to dangle behind. It's amazing how fast she is! She is exploring getting up on her knees, but doesn't quite have it yet. She's also saying, "Mamamamama! (yay!), lalalala, nananana, dadaaddda, bababab!" And, we have had our first experience of seeing her artwork on the wall at school--they have them "painting." (I'd love to be a fly on the wall). Still, I was so proud to see M's blobby first art! So far, she's done a study in brown and one in blue.

In still other news, Peter and I had a real-live date tonight. We went to the zoo for a "Wildlife on the Rocks" talk that was way more entertaining and fascinating than either of us anticipated. It was wonderful to have adult time together--we'll have to not wait another 8 months before that happens again!

Post-Partum Depression Sucks.

If you've read the title of this blog post, you've probably guessed that I've been diagnosed with post-partum depression. It's actually one of the reasons that I started blogging again, because I thought it might help to write about it. Supposedly about 20% of women who have babies have some sort of post-partum depression afterward--all my doctors/therapists kept saying, "it's the most common complication of pregnancy." However, none of my friends or family will 'fess up! Am I the only one in five in the crowd? I would really like to meet some other real-live gal out there who has had post-partum depression, or to hear from another mom what it's like for her.

For me, most of the time I am sort of fine, and then I have a really, really, REALLY bad day. Not just a day where I mope around listening to my old Cure albums weeping quietly, but days where I scream at P, cry for hours and hide in a closet (literally). Why? It's usually something pretty minor that has gone awry. Then, for the next week or so after my fit, I beat myself up for screaming at P, wishing sometimes that I weren't a mom, ( ***Let's get this clear from the start now that I'm writing about PPD: This feeling has nothing to do with my feelings for M as a person, because she's nothing but wonderful. M has done nothing to cause this; she has not exacerbated it--she's not colicky, fussy, gassy, developmentally delayed, of poor health, a bad sleeper, etc. and she's as pretty as a pearl and very smiley; it's more my own baggage over the lifestyle and identity changes, which I obviously knew about before I got pregnant.***), and generally being a mess.

A symptom of PPD, and the final clue that let me know that I might have it and that my continued rage and sadness after five months were not just "hormones," is lack of concentration/distractability. Normally, I have great concentration (I'm an appellate lawyer, by trade), but in maternity leave I sometimes just found myself running from room to room while M was napping. Pulling up a sheet in the bedroom, washing a pan in the kitchen, loading the dryer, moving a magazine, back to pull up the blanket, starting the dryer, feeding the cats, remembering something I meant to put in the dryer, etc. I think of this because I just got distracted by my own parenthetical in the previous paragraph and it made me think that it's so tricky to find moms who will say they have/had PPD because they do not want anyone to think badly of their baby, or to think that they don't love their baby. As if anyone would. I know rationally that no one would think that as I write this, but I still feel terrible and worry that I'm damaging M by being so sad and crazy and I don't want anyone to think that she caused my PPD.

My shrink (here's the distraction again--the best part of PPD is getting to have someone I can call my shrink) says that my particular flavor of PPD has some OCD running through it. Not constant hand-washing OCD, but just a level of anxiety and demanding perfectionism that is untenable with a baby. She hypothesizes (and I agree) that I've probably had this my whole life and, up until now, have just learned to use it in mostly-adaptive ways. I'm not on any meds right now because I'm still breast-feeding, though many people have told me recently that I should knock that off and get on some. I'm not sure that's my answer though. I really enjoy breastfeeding and feel like it is the one absolute saving grace that I have as a mom so far. I may be sad and crazy and I may have a full-time job that necessitates daycare, but at least that girl is getting some good immunity and 100% natural nutrition from me. But, I do agree that I can't just persist in this sad state w/ crazy flare-ups forever and that that probably would ultimately be damaging for M, not to mention my relationship with P. So what to do? Yoga? Acupuncture? Wait it out? I'm in some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy now, but not sure that's doing much.

Anyway, there it is. Maybe google-search will bring me some other one-in-five PPD ladies. Are you out there???

Nelly-Belle

Hi! A gift!

Who knows how many miles?
The odometer hasn't worked in years.
But, you helped me move seven separate times. . .

Three different state license plates,
Speeding Tickets in at least four jurisdictions;
One wreck in Atlanta and
One screwdriver left as a bonus in the backseat when you were stolen, went to see the Jefferson Memorial, and then came back to me;
At least five national parks and twenty-three different states;
Fourteen years, from twenty to thirty-four.

A great car.
You traveled!

Back and forth to Athens, hauling my laundry and everything else;
Up to D.C., across the country, way out west. . .
Over the Rockies--radiator blew out-- but you survived, delivering us
To Seattle.

You climbed up and down Seattle's hills, faithfully, year after year;
Took us on adventures in Montana and Oregon, rode the ferries of Puget Sound.
We went camping and you
Accompanied me to mental hospitals, to jails and out on the town.

You rode in style back to Georgia,
But weren't too tired for another trip to Chicago and back;
You worked for the Obama campaign, then
Moved us into our first house and brought our baby home from the hospital.

My history is your history.

How can I leave you, then,
For just five-hundred dollars
In a dealer's lot?



Good-bye, dear friend! I hope you're off to new adventures!

Mira Arrives and Rocks Our World!

So, I haven't written since I was about 5 months pregnant. While I maybe don't have a great excuse for not writing during months six and seven of pregnancy, by month eight exhaustion and holiday preparation had totally overtaken me and then Mira arrived 11 days early, so month nine barely existed (Hallelujah for that!).
Mira is now seven months old; I've been back at work for 4 weeks and Peter is back full time as well. Mira has gone to two weeks of daycare and may be working on her second illness in that time (though I really hope not!). We are surviving and learning how to be parents. For her part, Mira is a delightful person and very patient with our efforts. I marvel at someone who wakes up every single day so consistently happy and smiley and excited to go. Her little toothless grin, sparkly, wide, astonished baby eyes and constantly cycling legs, along with her wiggly excitement, are just a wonder. She can sit up now, eats a variety of foods (avocado is her favorite), makes a variety of sounds, communicates in many ingenious non-verbal ways, and loves any type of music. She has a musical laugh and the cutest-ever elf sneeze. We recently discovered that she loves to swing.
I have been inspired by a few friends to re-vamp this blog. Although it looks different, the name is the same because I've discovered that parenthood is chaos. And, as much as I have always been fascinated by chaos, it's a challenge for me. There will be lots of pictures of Mira (of course!) from now on and stories about our days together because she is such an integral part of all that I am right now. I am hoping, though, to also use this space as a virtual "Room of One's Own" a la Virginia Woolf. So there will probably be a lot more random musing and angsting about stuff in general than there was before. . . Thanks for continuing to read!