Vacations and Camping (and Mono???)

During the faux breather that I decided to give myself at work over the last month, Peter and Mira and I had some very nice adventures. We went to visit relatives and friends around the southeast; had a fun excursion to the zoo; finished up Mira's baby music class; celebrated Mother's Day in a way that was festive rather than disasterous; celebrated our neighbor's graduation from high school; and, successfully camped outside, in a tent, for one night! Overall, May was a very good month! So, why is it that at the end of it I have a sore throat that's been w/me for 10 days and spent the night puking just 36 hrs. ago??? A friend suggested to me today that maybe I have mono. . . eeeek!

After a quick and very scientific review of the relevant diagnostic literature (WebMD, MayoCliniconline, YouronlineHealth--I am nothing if not a scientist), I confirmed the diagnosis--swollen lymph nodes, check; sore throat persisting for many days, check; fatigue, CHECK!; headaches, check; nightsweats, check. . . . hmm. I don't seem to have the inflamed spleen thing, but that seemed minor. The problem, though, is that LAST month was for resting and THIS month is for working--the universe and my body did not seem to get these messages. I am hopeful that I am just being a hypochondriac and that the web diagnostic tools are just like "Where There is No Doctor" of my Peace Corps days (which had me once diagnosing myself with yellow fever, typhoid, and HIV), except on warp speed. Fingers crossed! I have briefs to write!

[images from top to bottom: Mira and her buddy Amelia bounce on the air mattress; Mira contemplates the beach; Mira enjoying the zoo; Mira and Sam share a snack; Easy Rider; Family after a dip in the Lake; Mira and Mama check out a fountain in Charlotte]

Procrastination

As I write this, I should be writing something for work, but then again, it seems like I should always be writing something for work these days. I have never been busier as a lawyer than I have been since I came back from maternity leave. In some ways, it is exhilarating to be doing work that I find so compelling and to feel like I am really maturing as a lawyer. In other ways, I'm really sad that that is happening during Mira's babyhood. Peter and I are constantly engaged in "finding the right balance" and I have come to suspect that we may always be doing that particular two-step.


All of this is to say, though, that I do feel incredibly lucky to be here in GA, so close to my family, with a beautiful daughter, work that is meaningful and a husband who pitches in. This may sound sappy, but I mean it. Two things that being a lawyer has really taught me are: that it could always be so much worse; and, there but for the grace of God go I. Wow. This really isn't a lighthearted blog post at all! Sorry, readers. Guess I'm not feeling all that lighthearted, despite the glass of red wine I sat down with (or maybe because of. . .). Funny thing is, I didn't notice that I was feeling kinda morose until I started writing.

In happier news, today DEA agents marched in to GA's death row prison and seized the state's illegally obtained supply of lethal injection drugs. That was also a funny sentence to write! But, I was seriously excited by this news--that must have been quite a scene! The other news is that Peter is out tonight w/ a buddy having a dad's night out. I am so glad for him! I feel like the focus of the last year has been a lot on my mental health and sanity, but he also has mental health needs and feels the attendant stresses (along w/ the joys, of which there are plenty) of caring for a little being.

Pictures are: Mira knows what she'd like to order; girls in the snow; Mira is one!; Over-the-shoulder-Mira.

October Eve

Pictures top to bottom: Daddy & daughter dance; Nuzzle; "Uncle Woody, is Uncle Matt crazy?;" MorMor's Joy; In the Kitchen; Eyes!; Curled up on Daddy; MorMor & PapPap; Prune Facial; Sparkly Girl!

October is *almost* upon us again, which means I'm getting ready to flip the calendar to mark the beginning of my 36th year on the planet. Aaagh! 35 feels distinctly older than 34, so that is strange and it's hard to believe that I am that squarely an adult. On the other hand, and excepting the introduction of Mira into the world, this past year has been a little bit rough for me and I think I'll be happy to see it on its way.

I am looking forward to returning to normalcy this year. I told Peter yesterday that I haven't had a "normal" life for at least the last 10 months. I feel it rounding the bend, though. We are through the first rough month of me-back-to-work and Mira-to-daycare; I am almost done with the huge brief that's been hanging over my head since maternity leave; I am no longer pregnant; my individual therapist and my shrink have discharged me; I've stopped acupuncture; and, one of these days I'll repaint my toenails (which are sad and very neglected). I have even begun to think some of reading or cooking something. . .

In addition to my birthday and the end of briefing hell, October brings many other good things. 1) Pumpkins--so orange and happy, even when they have not been carved as jack o' lanterns; 2) Crispy fall leaves and crispy fall weather--like snow falling, but more beautiful and not as cold. For those of you non-southerners who doubt that Atlanta can ever be crispy, you'll just have to come visit us and find out! 3) The beginning of festival season--My birthday is the beginning of an almost 5 month cycle in Peter's and my collective life that encompasses my day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, New Year's, *Mira's Birthday!!!*, Peter's birthday, our dating anniversary, and Valentine's Day--woohoo! 4) Squash weather, soup weather, apple weather; 5) Boot, sweater and jeans weather; 6) Mira in a cute ladybug costume!!!!

Okay, back to the brief. . .just a few more days and then October will be here. Whee!

Mysterious butterfly organ

Clockwise: Mira meets a friend at daycare, the Team of Three, "Seriously, guys. . .squash again?," Triangle Frenzy.

Last week I got test results back saying that my thyroid was way out of whack. My mom, who is an R.N., said something like, "Wow! I've seen a few thyroid tests that were worse, but not many!" Anyway, my shrink said that this could be the whole enchilada of what's been wrong with my brain and spirit since pregnancy. By my lights, if it's not the whole enchilada, it's at least all of the important parts.

Since starting on my thyroid supplement last week:

• My concentration is better;
• I've had spontaneous, happy thoughts (pretty telling how bad off I was that this didn't happen before, no? It was really noticeable, though, the first time I had a happy thought again. . .it hadn't happened in so long.)
• My hip stopped hurting;
• I'm not totally exhausted all the time;
• I am enjoying things and have a sense of humor again;
• I am able to just roll with things a little better.

Honestly, I can't think of any other situation where I'd be so totally thrilled to find out that I have a chronic condition that probably needs medication for the rest of my life. But, this is one! It is particularly nice to know somehow that it was not just my psyche. It was making me sad that Mira's arrival had spawned this crisis for me. Somehow, having something more concrete to point to as the root cause is so reassuring and alleviates all of that--when it was just postpartum depression, it felt like such a deep hole to climb out of.

In other news, Mira is "the star of daycare" according to staff there and seems to be really exceptionally happy lately. She has her first tooth coming in and is scooching all over the place in a sort of army-sniper baby crawl, using mostly her elbows, leaving the rest to dangle behind. It's amazing how fast she is! She is exploring getting up on her knees, but doesn't quite have it yet. She's also saying, "Mamamamama! (yay!), lalalala, nananana, dadaaddda, bababab!" And, we have had our first experience of seeing her artwork on the wall at school--they have them "painting." (I'd love to be a fly on the wall). Still, I was so proud to see M's blobby first art! So far, she's done a study in brown and one in blue.

In still other news, Peter and I had a real-live date tonight. We went to the zoo for a "Wildlife on the Rocks" talk that was way more entertaining and fascinating than either of us anticipated. It was wonderful to have adult time together--we'll have to not wait another 8 months before that happens again!

Post-Partum Depression Sucks.

If you've read the title of this blog post, you've probably guessed that I've been diagnosed with post-partum depression. It's actually one of the reasons that I started blogging again, because I thought it might help to write about it. Supposedly about 20% of women who have babies have some sort of post-partum depression afterward--all my doctors/therapists kept saying, "it's the most common complication of pregnancy." However, none of my friends or family will 'fess up! Am I the only one in five in the crowd? I would really like to meet some other real-live gal out there who has had post-partum depression, or to hear from another mom what it's like for her.

For me, most of the time I am sort of fine, and then I have a really, really, REALLY bad day. Not just a day where I mope around listening to my old Cure albums weeping quietly, but days where I scream at P, cry for hours and hide in a closet (literally). Why? It's usually something pretty minor that has gone awry. Then, for the next week or so after my fit, I beat myself up for screaming at P, wishing sometimes that I weren't a mom, ( ***Let's get this clear from the start now that I'm writing about PPD: This feeling has nothing to do with my feelings for M as a person, because she's nothing but wonderful. M has done nothing to cause this; she has not exacerbated it--she's not colicky, fussy, gassy, developmentally delayed, of poor health, a bad sleeper, etc. and she's as pretty as a pearl and very smiley; it's more my own baggage over the lifestyle and identity changes, which I obviously knew about before I got pregnant.***), and generally being a mess.

A symptom of PPD, and the final clue that let me know that I might have it and that my continued rage and sadness after five months were not just "hormones," is lack of concentration/distractability. Normally, I have great concentration (I'm an appellate lawyer, by trade), but in maternity leave I sometimes just found myself running from room to room while M was napping. Pulling up a sheet in the bedroom, washing a pan in the kitchen, loading the dryer, moving a magazine, back to pull up the blanket, starting the dryer, feeding the cats, remembering something I meant to put in the dryer, etc. I think of this because I just got distracted by my own parenthetical in the previous paragraph and it made me think that it's so tricky to find moms who will say they have/had PPD because they do not want anyone to think badly of their baby, or to think that they don't love their baby. As if anyone would. I know rationally that no one would think that as I write this, but I still feel terrible and worry that I'm damaging M by being so sad and crazy and I don't want anyone to think that she caused my PPD.

My shrink (here's the distraction again--the best part of PPD is getting to have someone I can call my shrink) says that my particular flavor of PPD has some OCD running through it. Not constant hand-washing OCD, but just a level of anxiety and demanding perfectionism that is untenable with a baby. She hypothesizes (and I agree) that I've probably had this my whole life and, up until now, have just learned to use it in mostly-adaptive ways. I'm not on any meds right now because I'm still breast-feeding, though many people have told me recently that I should knock that off and get on some. I'm not sure that's my answer though. I really enjoy breastfeeding and feel like it is the one absolute saving grace that I have as a mom so far. I may be sad and crazy and I may have a full-time job that necessitates daycare, but at least that girl is getting some good immunity and 100% natural nutrition from me. But, I do agree that I can't just persist in this sad state w/ crazy flare-ups forever and that that probably would ultimately be damaging for M, not to mention my relationship with P. So what to do? Yoga? Acupuncture? Wait it out? I'm in some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy now, but not sure that's doing much.

Anyway, there it is. Maybe google-search will bring me some other one-in-five PPD ladies. Are you out there???