Mysterious butterfly organ

Clockwise: Mira meets a friend at daycare, the Team of Three, "Seriously, guys. . .squash again?," Triangle Frenzy.

Last week I got test results back saying that my thyroid was way out of whack. My mom, who is an R.N., said something like, "Wow! I've seen a few thyroid tests that were worse, but not many!" Anyway, my shrink said that this could be the whole enchilada of what's been wrong with my brain and spirit since pregnancy. By my lights, if it's not the whole enchilada, it's at least all of the important parts.

Since starting on my thyroid supplement last week:

• My concentration is better;
• I've had spontaneous, happy thoughts (pretty telling how bad off I was that this didn't happen before, no? It was really noticeable, though, the first time I had a happy thought again. . .it hadn't happened in so long.)
• My hip stopped hurting;
• I'm not totally exhausted all the time;
• I am enjoying things and have a sense of humor again;
• I am able to just roll with things a little better.

Honestly, I can't think of any other situation where I'd be so totally thrilled to find out that I have a chronic condition that probably needs medication for the rest of my life. But, this is one! It is particularly nice to know somehow that it was not just my psyche. It was making me sad that Mira's arrival had spawned this crisis for me. Somehow, having something more concrete to point to as the root cause is so reassuring and alleviates all of that--when it was just postpartum depression, it felt like such a deep hole to climb out of.

In other news, Mira is "the star of daycare" according to staff there and seems to be really exceptionally happy lately. She has her first tooth coming in and is scooching all over the place in a sort of army-sniper baby crawl, using mostly her elbows, leaving the rest to dangle behind. It's amazing how fast she is! She is exploring getting up on her knees, but doesn't quite have it yet. She's also saying, "Mamamamama! (yay!), lalalala, nananana, dadaaddda, bababab!" And, we have had our first experience of seeing her artwork on the wall at school--they have them "painting." (I'd love to be a fly on the wall). Still, I was so proud to see M's blobby first art! So far, she's done a study in brown and one in blue.

In still other news, Peter and I had a real-live date tonight. We went to the zoo for a "Wildlife on the Rocks" talk that was way more entertaining and fascinating than either of us anticipated. It was wonderful to have adult time together--we'll have to not wait another 8 months before that happens again!

Post-Partum Depression Sucks.

If you've read the title of this blog post, you've probably guessed that I've been diagnosed with post-partum depression. It's actually one of the reasons that I started blogging again, because I thought it might help to write about it. Supposedly about 20% of women who have babies have some sort of post-partum depression afterward--all my doctors/therapists kept saying, "it's the most common complication of pregnancy." However, none of my friends or family will 'fess up! Am I the only one in five in the crowd? I would really like to meet some other real-live gal out there who has had post-partum depression, or to hear from another mom what it's like for her.

For me, most of the time I am sort of fine, and then I have a really, really, REALLY bad day. Not just a day where I mope around listening to my old Cure albums weeping quietly, but days where I scream at P, cry for hours and hide in a closet (literally). Why? It's usually something pretty minor that has gone awry. Then, for the next week or so after my fit, I beat myself up for screaming at P, wishing sometimes that I weren't a mom, ( ***Let's get this clear from the start now that I'm writing about PPD: This feeling has nothing to do with my feelings for M as a person, because she's nothing but wonderful. M has done nothing to cause this; she has not exacerbated it--she's not colicky, fussy, gassy, developmentally delayed, of poor health, a bad sleeper, etc. and she's as pretty as a pearl and very smiley; it's more my own baggage over the lifestyle and identity changes, which I obviously knew about before I got pregnant.***), and generally being a mess.

A symptom of PPD, and the final clue that let me know that I might have it and that my continued rage and sadness after five months were not just "hormones," is lack of concentration/distractability. Normally, I have great concentration (I'm an appellate lawyer, by trade), but in maternity leave I sometimes just found myself running from room to room while M was napping. Pulling up a sheet in the bedroom, washing a pan in the kitchen, loading the dryer, moving a magazine, back to pull up the blanket, starting the dryer, feeding the cats, remembering something I meant to put in the dryer, etc. I think of this because I just got distracted by my own parenthetical in the previous paragraph and it made me think that it's so tricky to find moms who will say they have/had PPD because they do not want anyone to think badly of their baby, or to think that they don't love their baby. As if anyone would. I know rationally that no one would think that as I write this, but I still feel terrible and worry that I'm damaging M by being so sad and crazy and I don't want anyone to think that she caused my PPD.

My shrink (here's the distraction again--the best part of PPD is getting to have someone I can call my shrink) says that my particular flavor of PPD has some OCD running through it. Not constant hand-washing OCD, but just a level of anxiety and demanding perfectionism that is untenable with a baby. She hypothesizes (and I agree) that I've probably had this my whole life and, up until now, have just learned to use it in mostly-adaptive ways. I'm not on any meds right now because I'm still breast-feeding, though many people have told me recently that I should knock that off and get on some. I'm not sure that's my answer though. I really enjoy breastfeeding and feel like it is the one absolute saving grace that I have as a mom so far. I may be sad and crazy and I may have a full-time job that necessitates daycare, but at least that girl is getting some good immunity and 100% natural nutrition from me. But, I do agree that I can't just persist in this sad state w/ crazy flare-ups forever and that that probably would ultimately be damaging for M, not to mention my relationship with P. So what to do? Yoga? Acupuncture? Wait it out? I'm in some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy now, but not sure that's doing much.

Anyway, there it is. Maybe google-search will bring me some other one-in-five PPD ladies. Are you out there???

Nelly-Belle

Hi! A gift!

Who knows how many miles?
The odometer hasn't worked in years.
But, you helped me move seven separate times. . .

Three different state license plates,
Speeding Tickets in at least four jurisdictions;
One wreck in Atlanta and
One screwdriver left as a bonus in the backseat when you were stolen, went to see the Jefferson Memorial, and then came back to me;
At least five national parks and twenty-three different states;
Fourteen years, from twenty to thirty-four.

A great car.
You traveled!

Back and forth to Athens, hauling my laundry and everything else;
Up to D.C., across the country, way out west. . .
Over the Rockies--radiator blew out-- but you survived, delivering us
To Seattle.

You climbed up and down Seattle's hills, faithfully, year after year;
Took us on adventures in Montana and Oregon, rode the ferries of Puget Sound.
We went camping and you
Accompanied me to mental hospitals, to jails and out on the town.

You rode in style back to Georgia,
But weren't too tired for another trip to Chicago and back;
You worked for the Obama campaign, then
Moved us into our first house and brought our baby home from the hospital.

My history is your history.

How can I leave you, then,
For just five-hundred dollars
In a dealer's lot?



Good-bye, dear friend! I hope you're off to new adventures!

Mira Arrives and Rocks Our World!

So, I haven't written since I was about 5 months pregnant. While I maybe don't have a great excuse for not writing during months six and seven of pregnancy, by month eight exhaustion and holiday preparation had totally overtaken me and then Mira arrived 11 days early, so month nine barely existed (Hallelujah for that!).
Mira is now seven months old; I've been back at work for 4 weeks and Peter is back full time as well. Mira has gone to two weeks of daycare and may be working on her second illness in that time (though I really hope not!). We are surviving and learning how to be parents. For her part, Mira is a delightful person and very patient with our efforts. I marvel at someone who wakes up every single day so consistently happy and smiley and excited to go. Her little toothless grin, sparkly, wide, astonished baby eyes and constantly cycling legs, along with her wiggly excitement, are just a wonder. She can sit up now, eats a variety of foods (avocado is her favorite), makes a variety of sounds, communicates in many ingenious non-verbal ways, and loves any type of music. She has a musical laugh and the cutest-ever elf sneeze. We recently discovered that she loves to swing.
I have been inspired by a few friends to re-vamp this blog. Although it looks different, the name is the same because I've discovered that parenthood is chaos. And, as much as I have always been fascinated by chaos, it's a challenge for me. There will be lots of pictures of Mira (of course!) from now on and stories about our days together because she is such an integral part of all that I am right now. I am hoping, though, to also use this space as a virtual "Room of One's Own" a la Virginia Woolf. So there will probably be a lot more random musing and angsting about stuff in general than there was before. . . Thanks for continuing to read!

Big news, big belly. . .

Wow!  I'm pregnant!  While Peter and I have actually known this since early May, I am only now making it widely known to people outside of my family and the folks I see every day.  First, the preliminaries:  I'm due on Peter's bday (that's fun!), which is January 20th; in 2 days, I'll be 17 weeks along.  We are not finding out the gender and we are not sharing names before the birth with anyone.. . .sorry!  But, we're very excited!  It's kind of crazy to go from years and years of trying NOT to get pregnant to, all of the sudden, here we go!  Whee!

I'm getting off lucky--no puking for me, just really profound exhaustion (which I keep thinking is over, then it's not) and extreme moodiness, which I think is worse for Peter than it is for me.  We've started getting some baby clothes at yard sales and stuff and are trying to clear the back room out, but otherwise haven't done too much preparation. I just got my first maternity wear items this past weekend and by the end of August expect to not be able to wear any of my current clothing.

In other news, we are trying our best to enjoy as much of our remaining lives as a young, childless couple as much as we can.  Since May, we have been to see Coldplay and Beyonce and have traveled to Pittsburgh and New England.  Pictures from those trips are attached.  As for Pittsburgh, it was REALLY wonderful to see family and cousins who I hadn't seen in way too long and we want to give a shout out to Uncle Turk for being one of our best blog readers!  Thanks, Turk!  As for New England, we just got back last week.  The original impetus for the trip was Peter's mom Betsy's wish to have her ashes scattered off of Martha's Vineyard.  However, with 18 family members in attendance and the beautiful setting, it turned into much more of a vacation than I had anticipated.  On the way home, we stopped and saw my good friend Indu, who really pampered us!

Another big change for us is that Matt and Woody moved into our downstairs apartment at the beginning of June and are officially Atlantans.  As I write, they are preparing to move out to a more permanent, private space, and I will miss them (though they'll only be 3 miles away!)  It has been so nice seeing so much of them this summer and I'm thrilled that they both have found jobs in this evil economy.  

Work-wise, Peter and I keep trucking along.  Not too much new on that front.  

So, I will try to blog about life and pregnancy as it seems appropriate, without oversharing or being too ebullient.  You may see an ultrasound picture here.  I promise that I will not put any pictures of the umbilical cord or placenta up after the birth (I actually heard of someone recently who did this--eew!).

Anyway, hope all of your summers are wrapping up well!  Call anytime and give us an update--if we haven't talked in the last month or so, chances are we miss you!

xoxox, r&p

Pictures, roughly from top to bottom:  fireworks over East Point; Peter with Gram in Slippery Rock, PA; Peter near the Gay Head cliffs in Martha's Vineyard; Good times with the girl cousins in Monaca, PA; Deborah H. serves up lobsters from the grill (yum!); Brunch with Indu in Boston; Happy Birthday, Woody!; Hiking on the Chatahoochee with Sarah and Andrew; Me, a little belly and the Pittsburgh skyline; Peter on the ferry.