Holding On Too Tight.

Today, I think I had the scariest two hours of my life.  And, thinking about what other people go through in life, I'm really lucky.  But, they were still terrifying for me.   Here's what happened and has been happening. . . .

I'm now thirty-five weeks pregnant with twins--a boy and a girl.  We are very excited and they could come any day.  Most excited of all is big-sister Mira, who calls them "my babies," and "Mickey and Minnie" and has been practicing everything from shushing and bouncing them to sleep to "breast feeding," which she has intuited, takes a while.  (Example:  Me:  "Mira, time for a bath."  Mira: "I can't come now--I'm breastfeeding my babies--it's going to take a while.")

The anticipated addition of two whole new, small people to our family has been the cause of tons of transition around here lately--most noticeably, I went from being a court-room litigator of last resort for those condemned to death to being a stay-at-home mom about a month ago.  Mira changed schools.  Our house has been rearranged, and Peter, mostly, has been our rock through it all, not getting near enough sleep as he cares for his girls and juggles his own litigation practice.  Having been out of work for about a month now, though, this week I finally felt we were rounding the corner, finally felt that things were calming down, finally felt a sense of peace and readiness to become a family of five. . . in short, I was feeling tired and worn out from the pregnancy, but up to the task of being the mom.

Until today. . .

I have been having a hard time sleeping in these last few weeks of pregnancy, but I had a good sleep last night.  Nonetheless, I usually wake up groggy and slightly grumpy--even more so in pregnancy--and today was no different.  Today was a big day, though, because I was (ironically, just as I was "leaning back" from my career) being honored as one of my university's top 40 alumni under the age of 40.  My mom and dad were coming up for the "40 Under 40" ceremony; I had a sitter arranged; Peter's court calendar had cleared so he could be there; it was going to be a beautiful day and a nice capstone to my career thus far before the babies came.

Mira also woke up feeling a little recalcitrant, it seems, but I didn't want to push her because I knew I was leaving her with a babysitter in the middle of the day for the ceremony--we had breakfast on her schedule, got dressed on her schedule, went potty on her schedule--all of which led me to be running a bit late.  I was just about to finish getting her ready--last task, combing hair--when she bolted and I grabbed her hand to keep her from bolting and she kept running and then she screamed, "Ow!  Mommy!" and started to cry, big fat tears rolling down her perfect little cheeks.  She clutched her elbow and did not want me to pick her up at first.  I went to get ice, coaxed her onto my lap, and talked softly to her, telling her I was sorry.  At first, I figured, she'd be better in a minute, but as five minutes turned into fifteen and then into twenty-five, I began panicking.  Her left arm hung limply at her side and she refused to move it.  When I tried to move it, she whimpered.  That's when I began to cry--how could I have hurt my own daughter like this?  I didn't mean to. . .I have grabbed her at least a 100 times when she's bolted like that--why was this different?

So, when my parents showed up, expecting a celebration, instead they found Mira bravely propped up on my bed with a pack of ice and her favorite bear and me still in my PJs, which now do not cover my tummy, a weeping mess.  My mom is a nurse and confirmed my suspicions that we needed to head to the ER.  She kept my daughter calm while the whole time, driving to the ER, I was freaking out, anticipating (with some paranoia, I'll admit) that I would have to interview with child protective services and potentially they would try to take Mira away from me, or put us on some sort of probation.  They were going to see my pregnant belly and think that I did not deserve these babies either.  Worse, in that moment, I also felt that way.

We got to the ER and checked in. I noticed that most of the people in the ER were people waiting for routine things--strep tests, a child's cough, an ear infection--in short, I saw firsthand that the daytime ER is largely for the uninsured.  Because we are lucky enough to have insurance, I called our pediatrician (which I was not thinking clearly enough to have done before) and described to her what happened.  She said to come on over.  After a short wait for the charge nurse, who wanted to make sure we were "safe to go," we (my mom, my dad, Mira and I) left for our pediatrician's office, where my husband met us with lunch, as we were now missing the "40 Under 40" lunch.

While I was checking us in to the pediatrician's, I noticed that Mira had started to really play with some of the toys in the waiting room.  Then, when we were called back, she lifted a heavy bag we had with us and carried it back to the exam room with her hurt arm!  Now, I started to feel silly for having brought her in the first place.  But, our wonderful doctor confirmed that Mira had had a condition called "nursemaid's elbow" and that her son had had it when he was younger, too, because she had swung him around too vigorously by his hands while playing with him.  Apparently, toddlers' elbow ligaments are not as fixed as grown people's and can slip off the elbow (causing pain) and back on if the child moves around. I was so relieved--both that Mira was better, but that this wise, wonderful woman could also have inadvertently done this to her child.  Surely, this meant that I was not the terrible mother I feared I was.

We finally got home and my parents thought that my husband and I should try to go to the luncheon while they stayed with Mira, so we did. . . .getting there in time to miss everything.  I still got my award and my picture taken; they were gracious enough to give us some leftover lunch, but it really was not the same.

And, here's the truth:  my life really is not the same as before and it's going to change even more when the twins get here and I'm not half or even a quarter as adjusted to it as I thought I was.  Here I was, so caught up with my schedule and needing everything to be "just so," that I grabbed my daughter and hurt her arm over brushing hair.  Now, I did not do this on purpose and I didn't think she'd keep running and I was shocked that it happened (though, apparently nursemaid's elbow is very common:  http://kidshealth.org/parent/medical/bones/nursemaid.html), but ultimately as the parent, it is my job to keep her safe and I failed today.  I just thank goodness it wasn't worse.

  I have had problems with flexibility and adapting to change and unexpected bumps in life's road since I was my daughter's age.  An iconic story in my family is about how, when I was around the age of five or six, my mom used to drop eggs on the floor on purpose while I was watching and then be totally non-chalant about it as a way to get me to see that mistakes are okay.  I know this in theory and am very forgiving of most others, but not with myself. For my entire scholastic and professional career, I have held myself to a different standard.  And now, with three little ones, I am going to have to come to terms with not always being on time; not always being nicely dressed; not always getting a lot done; relinquishing substantial control over the shape and content of my days; and, being okay with all of this.     I think it is going to be the biggest challenge of my life and I wonder if I'm up to it.  I want to be.

Maybe life has a way of teaching each of us what we need to learn and I think part of my life journey is to learn flexibility and to not freak out when things don't go according to my plan.  I don't know why I haven't been able to do so yet in all these years.  I am glad that big sister Mira alerted me today that I have a lot of work to do on all of this before the babies get here

.  And, I am so, so grateful that she is okay.  Here she is, triumphant at the end of the day, holding up her injured arm.

Fallen Tree and Garden Photos

Today started with some family work in our backyard, filling in dirt near the newly-built fence that our construction people re-built on Friday.  Boy, what a difference does even just that make!  Post-fallen tree, our backyard looked like our own personal FEMA site for the last month and now, with the fence back together (even though nothing else has been done on the house), it just looks so much nicer!  Up until now, all of our gardening has had to be in the front yard, because the back was so shaded.  But, after our century-plus water oak ripped itself out of the ground last month, we've got tons of sun and are now contemplating experimenting with a fall garden, and maybe some rose and bulb planting back there soon.  I really loved that old tree and will miss it, but these new plans are fun, too.

The main point of this post, though, is just to share with you some photos of the fallen tree, our new backyard, our existing front-yard garden, and the huge pile of mulch we have finally gotten distributed all over our property and shared with our neighbors. It took us three weeks, though, so we are also now trying to grow grass in a circle about 15' in diameter--let me know if you have any tips!

Enjoy the photos and I will check in around the end of the week to give you a report on how our three baby watermelons are doing!

The fallen giant--probably a century old--it's canopy covered our whole backyard, plus a good chunk of the neighbor's.

Our house after the tarp went on. 

The view from our kitchen post-fallen tree, pre-tree service.

Mira having fun on all that mulch!

Mira & Peter arrange the "stumps" (really just portions of its branches) from the tree for a fire-pit.

The new fence + a prospective triangle-shaped garden!

Our front-yard garden in its end-of-summer glory

The biggest of the baby melons!

Baby melon with baby hand

My gardening partner

Yellow pear tomato

Late-blooming hydrangea

Two more cukes on the way!

Not ready yet!

Okra plant, not okra yet, though!

Thank goodness for the bees!  Hard at work, as usual.

Decked out for fall!

Hanging begonia and view of our quiet Sunday street.

New Year, New Blog

Tomorrow is the start of Rosh Hashanah, which although I'm not Jewish, I have always felt makes sense as the start of a new year.  Being with Peter, who is Jewish and observes the high holidays, has only sharpened this sensibility for me.  Perhaps it's because I've spent so much time in school generally in my life, that the fall seems like a new beginning.  Or, maybe it's because my birthday is in the fall, so it is actually my own personal new year.  Or, maybe it's because when you live in the south, the first few crisp mornings after months of unrelenting heat, truly feel like a renewal of the world.  Add to this the recent damage to our house by a fallen tree and the rebirth we're experiencing as construction gets started to complete the sense of starting things afresh. Well, whatever it is, I am fully embracing it and declaring a new year.  Right now!

I have been particularly excited for the fall this year, and Mira and I have already started putting up some pumpkin decorations, which make me so happy. Tomorrow, I am starting a meditation class in an effort to combat some of the stress of juggling my job & family, and that also feels like the kind of thing one might undertake at the beginning of a new year.

In any case, all of this is to say that I am going to be playing in the next few months with the format of this blog. This blog is now almost 5 years old and has shifted from a travel log detailing Peter's and my adventures all over the globe and then as we settled in Georgia, to one sporadically recounting our experiences as new parents. I have been inspired by a few friends, most notably Emily Lieberman of Seattle, whose excellent cooking blog  http://emmycooks.com/ , is both a fun read with lots of good recipe ideas, and a nice way to hear the voice of a friend from a distance. I would like to have a reliable outlet for creative-ish writing that does not always depend on sharing what is going on in my personal life, but still allows our friends and family some way to connect with what our lives are like.

I have considered a cooking blog, and you may see some recipes here from time to time, but there are already so many good ones out there (another favorite is my friend Indu Chugani's:  Fresh. Simple. Good., found at :   http://freshsimplegood.blogspot.com/.)  I do love to cook and will no doubt continue experimenting in the kitchen, but I think I'd like to devote this space to writing about my attempts to garden, which have been so inspiring to me, even though one would hardly call me a successful gardener at this point. In addition, it is something that Mira and I have really enjoyed together and I love the way it has allowed me to be in tune with the seasons and nature, even in the midst of our very chaotic lives.  It is also something that I will be working on quite a bit in the next year, I imagine, as the fallen tree has completely reconfigured our yard, and given us a lot of sun in the backyard, which used to be totally shaded. I thought it might be fun to record my muddling here, along with pictures of our progress and (of course) adorable Mira. I also hope that you will also share your tips and stories of muddling in your garden (or even with potted plants) with me!

Some belated pictures from our trip to California

Mira appreciates the Santa Cruz Boardwalk carousel.

Mira at the Aquarium 

Mira & Owen

Mira & the Grands 

Mira & Anzara Contemplate the Ocean

Mira & Ann

Things I Really Love About Georgia

Too often, since our move back from the west coast four years ago, I find myself comparing Seattle to Atlanta, which is not really fair since we were childless two-income folks living in a hip location in Seattle, and here we are parents and chose to live outside of the city so that we could benefit from the good schools in our area.  Suffice it to say that the comparison is often unfavorable.  It starts with the fact of the dual ocean mountain view that was available there and the "nothing" view that is available here and usually goes downhill. . . .

In my mind, I have created a "fantasy Seattle" and conveniently forget how lonely I was to be so far from my family; how ludicrously priced single family homes were; and how 9 months out of the year, I cursed the freezing weather and had the blues (and then some) because of the constant drizzle.  I remember only our friends, the mountains, the great nights out we had, the delicious donuts, the delicious salmon, the great coffee and lightening-fast baristas, the progressive politics, the public transit, Pike Place Market. . .and, then I feel sad.

But, Atlanta is actually a pretty great town and the south also has many good points.  Now that the weather has broken (blessedly early) and it is starting to feel like fall, and our daughter is sleeping again, it is easier for me to focus on these good points.  I'm going to memorialize my top ten Atlanta favorites here for when I start dreaming about "fantasy Seattle" again:

1) My mom & dad live 45 minutes away; my brother and Woody live 10 minutes away.  We don't have to get into a plane to see my family--ever.
2)  The sun shines often here.  Whoa--the weather has been gorgeous lately--mid to upper 70's, low humidity, crisp, but not chilly at night.  I did not have the air conditioning on at all today.  Simply lovely.  Add to that the fact that even when it's cold in the winter, it's often sunny, and it's pretty splendid!
3)  The food.  There were a lot of great restaurants in Seattle, but the food here is more soulful, for sure. And, there are also a lot of great restaurants. And, we have a WONDERFUL international market in our town that has beautiful produce at wonderful prices. .. .in short, we often eat like kings.
4)  Our house is lovely--especially the kitchen and especially the porches.  I think this one has been easy for me to lose sight of lately since the tree fell on our house, but the truth is that we are very fortunate to live in what is quite possibly my dream house and something we never could have lived in in Seattle.  It's old, but re-done, so has character and convenience.  And, it has SUCH a wonderful kitchen for all that great food we're always buying.  Peter & I had a tiny galley kitchen in our apartment in Seattle, and while we made some good meals, we often bickered as we bumped past each other there--not a problem here!
5)  The graffiti in Atlanta is marvelous.  It is edgy and gritty, but also very artistic and the city has designated plenty of spaces for whole-wall murals.  I love these bright pockets of surprise and artistry sprinkled into my day.
6)  I live close enough to work to ride my bike and actually dare to do so from time to time because there are no neck-breaking hills.  Biking is definitely my favorite form of exercise. :)
7)  People are often popping in unexpectedly because they have a layover or other travel that takes them through Atlanta and we get to see them!
8)  Not everyone is white here. In fact, many people are not. It is so awesome to walk around and see a mix of hues, rather than just one.
9)  So many festivals!  Atlanta is definitely a festive town and the various festivals definitely mark the seasons here in a very pleasing way.
10)  The pace is more chilled out.  It is true that the South moves a bit slower and I really, really love that.